Hated by Many, Loved by None

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He desired not to be like his own father, but failed to ever get help.

Hated by Many Loved by None

Fast forward to my 21st year and my first serious girlfriend. She was drop dead gorgeous and was head over heels with me. We started off awesome but as our relationship grew over a rocky two years, i found myself constantly testing for her love. I often found myself swinging emotionally from rage to sobbing in our relationship and had no idea why. It made me hate myself even more. A good looking guy, college football player, life of the party kind of guy, I never felt like i was in the right body, at least emotionally.

I could walk into a room and turn heads but hated, loathed, despised the person inside. I was a closet self abuser and enjoyed the pain i could inflict on myself.

I broke up with the girl on a whim even though it destroyed me. It messed with me so much I lost a bid to the NFL because i lost so much weight.

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I only dated casually until … I was Now a teacher and coach, i avoided dating seriously, and chose prostitutes over a girlfriend — who knows why the hell i did it — most likely as a punishment. My self abuse and become more severe and I was cutting — the exhilaration from cutting rivaled that of sex which for me was almost nonexistent. Now the rest of the story. During these years I discovered that one of my peers lived in the same apt complex. Terrified of a serious relationship, although she liked me, we just became good friends.

Hung out, played, etc. Unfortunately, or fortunately, she was a beautiful blonde and i was a mess. With slept together several nights and initially all was okay… but then a cloud of fear hit me and i ran. I avoided her, but since we taught in the same school would still see her. I was conflicted and miserable. Six months later the following year, we had rekindled our friendship and … woops, found myself in her bed, again.

I would look at her beautiful blonde curls as she slept wishing I could love her. I ran again, avoiding her. I opened to my dear blonde blue eyed friend and she told me in tears that she was pregnant. After a few months we agreed to get married.

I found myself swinging again. I am 56 now. And i am still married to her, or maybe i should say, because of her we are still married. I had so many addictions when we married i could have been a side show. I was abusive like my father. I manipulated and loved conditionally like my father. Basically i was the man i hated. Started and stopped counseling a few times and finally about a dozen years ago she kicked me out of the house and i entered rehab. I spent 3 years in this program and still go periodically, especially when those feelings come back.

Meds do help, but keeping those addictive behaviors at bay is a daily battle. My kids watched me change and respect me more than i ever thought they would. But for me, realizing the key was in my thought life — and whether about my traumatic childhood or self hate , I have a choice about those thoughts. I am actor, well want to be actor and like you a good looking fella, like you manipulation is a well crafted tool I use to getting what I want from my partner, crying to get them to feel sorry for me and when they show any sort of affection towards me I question their motives, try to understand why they are doing it and this ultimately has led me down the rabbit hole of seeking oral pleasures from other men, to cheating on my long term girlfriend with other women to isolating myself for days on end away from people in general until I want to feel something that is and then I put myself out on display.

But I know every time experience pleasure from one of these experiences I am actually just self abusing. As time passed I found it harder and harder to talk about the issue surrounding the identity of my actual father for fear of hurting my step fathers feelings.

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Little did I know that by not talking about who he was I was hurting myself and what my own identity. My issues although similar appear to be getting worse and not better. I have since split from my long term girlfriend and appear to have gone out an gotten myself a complete replica girl who I have sex with on a regular basis but still seek to punish myself by indulging in homosexual acts such as receiving oral from other men. I feel the problem lies in how I see myself, I must see myself as not being worthy of actual real love and when it is displayed in front of me i get angry and want to fight with whom ever is offering it.

I feel the fact that a my dad was never around b he never came looking for me c I never talked about him I have developed symptoms of abandonment and an identity crisis.

Lusted by many and loved | Quotes & Writings by Sagar Sahni | YourQuote

I have thought of therapy but the cost is a financial burden at present. Did you find that by attending therapy that you began to see yourself as a better person and with it your life began to take a turn for the better? They usually most of the time do prefer men that have a lot of money or are very rich instead. So desperately hoping for the answer to my problems. My daughter got married to a charming young man who I got to know from the local youth service. I got along with him extremely well as he was funny, charming, entertaining and a good listener.

Hated by Many, Loved by None: Hated by Many, Loved by None 3 : The Finale by Shan (2017, Paperback)

In any case they married and things are up and down as he pushes and pulls constantly. Their relationship has the classical hall marks of insecurity as he is very controlling and suspicious at times. In addition he pushes my affections away as soon as I do the mum thing and treat him like a son or show affection. I have read countless posts and a friend of mine who is a counsellor has sent me lovely book on insecurity.

But I find myself feeling hurt and broken as part of me just wishes he would just be warm, kind and loving back. Hi maybe you could give me some feedback. I am one of those people that reject love affection compliments ect. I married a husband like my mom. But I have been on the path of true Discovery and healing and I realized the time has come to separate from him. I found a man that is everything I could ever want loving kind sensitive emotionally available and I am scared to death of him. I keep finding ways to push him away and doubts to keep me from getting too close to him.

To me there has to be a motive of some kind. Just last night he begged me not to be negative anymore to trust him and to trust in his love and I really want to but I am so afraid that I am just not enough.

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Thank you. Sorry, i accidentally posted before typing.

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I used to wonder what is wrong with me cause I could lash out at my friends when they would do nice things to me or say nice things to be. I always wondered why people reacted the way that they do when it comes to being loved. On more than one occasion, I have been severely hurt and emotionally damaged by females that I developed feelings for.

Everything was fine until I told them how I felt about them. I only see you as a good friend. Why just go to pieces and intentionally hurt the person simply because they FEEL a certain way about you? The most recent time I told a female how i felt about her, I was told to apologize!

For loving her? How stupid. Well, it effectively ended our friendship. Now, she hates me and wants me to die. She actually wishes I would drop dead. Otherwise, i may not be here posting this today! I am the one excepting the love of my partner. I keep thinking is there something wrong with me?